On New Year’s Eve I decided to make a vision board to facilitate the manifestation of what I wish to bring into my world in 2021. Right away I realized that I don’t feel I am lacking much, materially, in my life. I have a nice home, if a bit small for a family of four who used to live in a bigger space. I had enough money to pay all the bills in 2020, and we all ate every day. I have a family whom I enjoy being around, for which I am deeply grateful in these times when we can’t go many places or see other people. As I leafed through my collage morgue, I found myself drawn to some images that had nothing to do with material objects. Maybe I want to go caving, or look at the stars a lot, or gaze thoughtfully into space.
I saw an ad with the text, “Dreamers Wanted.” Ooh, sounds like something for me. I don’t remember what the ad was trying to sell now, but the fact that it caught my attention alerted me that this was exactly what I myself want: to be wanted. I want my dreaminess to be something that can be of use, that can be valued by the world. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2020, it’s how unmarketable I am. The one thing that I thought I was good at was massage, and I was already starting to question that when we locked down; now I don’t think it’s even safe for me or clients. Without that, I have no skills that are listed as requirements for any job. My resume could read, “Knows when vultures come and go in the Flint Hills of Kansas, can name five plant-based substitutes for eggs in baking, knows the lyrics to every song on the Flaming Lips album In A Priest Driven Ambulance . . .” How does it feel to be breaking apart?
So when I saw a vision board workshop offered by Colette Baron-Reid, I thought it would be a good opportunity to dial in that desire a little more specifically, tell the Universe in what way I would like to be wanted. I like that Colette’s approach is more spiritual and less materialistic than the vision board is often presented as. She gives daily journaling exercises. When I was assigned to choose two areas of life to focus on, it was easy for me to choose Career/Calling, and Passion/Creativity. I was supposed to think about how my creativity (which would be writing, for me) connects with other people, or ask, who am I sharing with? And that question stumped me. I submitted poetry throughout last year, and it never made the cut. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who read anything I wrote in the last year, and they were all friends. (It’s not a bad thing for friends to be my readers, it just means that I’m not reaching anyone through writing that I’m not otherwise connected with already.) Who needs what I have to offer? The question stumped me, and I ended up scrawling in my journal, “FACE IT, NOBODY BENEFITS FROM THE SHIT I WRITE.”
Should I manifest people who love my writing? Should I manifest myself into a person who is good at writing ad copy? Or should I just quit?
But I came back the next day for another try, this time journaling about commitment. And I wrote this:
Thing is, I love writing so much it makes me want to cry. Maybe all I need is just to do it, screw whether anyone else gives a shit. Screw sales, income, readers. I commit to doing it, and if The Universe wants anything more, it can make it happen. If somebody has so much to gain from what I write, they can trouble themselves to read it. I can be open to whatever comes, if it’s nothing, then I got the joy of writing it and my joy is as much as I have to give to the world. The rest is byproduct. I surrender all expectation of result from what I write.
Wow, that is liberating.
So, in 2021, I commit to dreaming. I commit to writing and being in the moment. I commit to blogging for all five of you, and to reading an oracle or Tarot card for the handful of you who watch my weekly videos. I commit to continuing to watch lizards and birds, and to editing my totally unmarketable novel about Jesus and Mary Magdalene and the matricide of the Divine Feminine by patriarchs, and to sprinkling it all liberally with obscure references no one will get. I bless the world with my existence, whether you like it or not.
This is my present to the world.